The LoLffice

Email your office LoLs to the.lolffice@gmail.com

Quick! Out the window!

*From an office 22 floors up*
Don: You're still here?
D: I couldn't get the window open.
Don: Don't do that. It's much too cold. Think I want to work in a cold office?

Nov
25th

Tue

We are not looking at a full application with like ‘source code’.

— Edward Vazquez, VP Transformation Services at MomentumSI

Nov
24th

Mon

Translations II

SantaMan: <Oh shit, what broke now> Hi [Me]
Me: <This guy is the Santa of broken technology> Hi SantaMan.
SantaMan: <Don't know who the fuck [ProjectSponser] is, but he/she sounds like an [Incompetent Mgr]> We got mail from [ProjectSponser], issues in CTRM incomming data
SantaMan: ?
SantaMan: <What is the status of your email? I imagine it is sitting in your inbox.> what is the status
Me: <Please clarify the fucking problem.> Is that so, is this the same issue that plagued PCCM to CTRM? < ?
SantaMan: we resolved the issue right
Me: That is resolved.
Me: I am unaware of any other issue. Could you forward me that email from [ProjectSponser]?
SantaMan: <I swear this guy can't read text> Do we have any issue incomming data from CTRM
Me: Well I am looking at the CTRM_SOA_PCCM_INT table and I don't see any issues.
SantaMan: <WHAT FUCKING ISSUE?!> hey this is [LilPete].. wit [SantaMan] . ..any idea where this issue [ProjectSponser] has arose from
Me: <PLEASE EXPLAIN THE FUCKING ISSUE!> Well, I haven't seen any emails about this issue. I don't even know what the issue is, until just now. If I could get a forward of that email that would be great.
SantaMan: Just send the mail
<email> <Translation: Someone whispered that something was or is broken and this asshole decided to write an email about it to justify his position.>
From: [ProjectSponser]
Sent: Monday, November 17, 2008 12:41 PM
To: [LilPete]; [My Boss]
Subject: Question from you
Hi,
Getting information from outside the project that there are problems with data coming into customer from CTRM (the integration piece.) It looks the SOA Service is not working. People are saying the data is all garbled?
Anyone have an update?
</email>
Me: <Yeah, that is my fault. The messages clearly say TEST_MESSAGE_IGNORE. However, I shouldn't have sent it through the wrong use case.> Well, I am looking at the CTRM_SOA_PCCM_INT table and the only errors I see is that two test messages not ment for this use case some how went through the system.
Me: Other than that everything looks fine.
Me: Is there more specific information about how the data is garbled? Perhaps I am just missing something.
SantaMan: Ok
SantaMan: [LilPete] has sent the mail reply for specific issue,
Me: Thanks, as soon as I know more I will look deeper
SantaMan: Sure

Translations I

Resource1: Hi [Me]
Resource1: Good Afternoon
Me: <Oh fuck this is gonna be lame> Good Afternoon.
Resource1: Do we have the Test server ready for install
Resource1: for tomorrow
Resource1: ?
Me: <I was typing this response right after his salutation> The change document will be going out this afternoon, our meeting on Wed will have to be rescheduled to a different date, maybe monday. The HP team wanted to upgrade their hardware.
Resource1: oh ok
Me: <The HP team already upgraded their hardware and wiped both boxes, there is no more dev box> In fact the first box is also down because the hardware is being upgraded.
Resource1: upgrade the hardware?
Me: <fuck if I know what the HP team is doing with their blade servers> Yeah, I could look up the changes but the hardware that the VMs are on are moving to faster processors with more memory.
Resource1: are there any additional recommendations for this install from Oracle?
Me: <Suggestions from Oracle? Yeah they told me to go fuck myself> Not at that I am aware of. The change document should give an overview of the changes made in order for the installs to complete.
Resource1: oh ok.. just curious why now they decided to upgrade the hardware
Me: <Complete lie> Well, they were rebuilding the second box and since we aren't doing any code migration yet it won't impact our schedule.
Resource1: oh ok, so we mostly will do Test on Monday and then Stage?
Me: Actually Stage and product will all be completed by this friday. But yes Test on Monday.
Resource1: okay.. just make sure to let me know the specifics for the Stage and Production environments
Me: You want the hardware specs?
Resource1: I dont think I have info about Stage/Production environments
Me: <[Mgr1] doesn't have this information I just don't see why he needs it at the moment> Let me get in touch with [Mgr1], whom I believe already has this information stored somewhere, and then I can forward it to you in an email.
Resource1: ok
Resource1: <Translation: We want to create a job for ourselves> I would like to set some time up for tomorrow for may be about 30 minutes for a quick calll, so we can discuss some of this
Me: <Its a fucking waste of my time> Sure not a problem.
Me: Send me a meeting invite and we can go through this.
Resource1: <Translation: My boss is going to try and bully you> sure, I am basically going to have [Resource1's Mgr] also join the call
Resource1: sure
Me: <I have a headache please go away> Sounds good.
Resource1: <Translation: Random request for a resource I don't really need> The other thing is can you provide the console access to the SOA suite
Resource1: in DEV/Test
Resource1: ?
Me: <I'm sorry WTF?> Why do you need access to the SOA suite console?
Resource1: just to get an Idea about about the SOA side of configurations at a console level
Resource1: it neednt be the same account that you guys use
Me: <Go fuck yourself> Let me check on that and get back to you.
Resource1: it will be great if you can create two different accounts for me and [Resource1's Mgr] just in DEV/Test
Me: <I am the ultimate authority> I will look into it, but I don't have the authority to just grant accounts.
Resource1: great
Resource1: Thanks [Me]
Me: <you are a huge problem> No problem

Oct
7th

Tue

Yes, we do need to wait till this in production to test it.

Sep
29th

Mon

Let me get back to you

Supervisor: "I need four BAM servers."
Me: "Why? They don't cluster."
Supervisor: "Err, well I don't really know why I need 4."
Me: "...could you find out?"
Supervisor: "Yeah let me get back to you."

Just Chasing a Bum

CEO: Chris, i just shit my pants.
Chris: Oh?
CEO: I saw you run past and i thought something was wrong with the system.
Chris: Oh, no we were just chasing a bum.
CEO: Oh, good.

Sep
26th

Fri

There aren't any gloves thick enough.

*As I walk to the copier to copy my expenses*
Mgr1: What a nice guy. Do you think you could rub some of that off on [Mgr2].
Me: No thanks, I don't touch poo.